NOT I

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It’s in those quieter moments that it happens. Those moments when it’s just me and me. It’s in those moments that I sometimes reflect upon all the carnage of the battles I fought. The pain and the hurt as real although perhaps less obvious than any war.

It’s in those moments that I wince at the cruel weapons that I have used. The thinly veiled criticism, the snide remarks, the frustrated reply, the impatient stare, the condescending snicker. There are so many weapons that I’ve employed. Some days the fighting is worse than others. But on all days and for all weapons, the ammunition is the same. The weapons are merely different ways of firing the same projectile.

It is a small sharp thing, designed to hurt, its edges pointed. I throw it so often, sometimes at others, regularly at myself, at other times the universe at large. I feel the frustration and the aggravation of competition. So I duel with these weapons, ammunition, my hurtful projectiles. They boil down to a simple thing, those two cruel words:

NOT I

It’s in those much quieter moments that I realize. Every shot fired, every weapon launched, every bloody scar so fiercely fought, were all aimed at the same thing. Like a sniper’s crosshairs those words, thoughts, gestures and intentions were always aimed at the one, that one word:

I

It is only in those silent moments, beyond quiet, when there are no longer two that I discover a new weapon to use. I realize that if there is no competition or battle to wage there is no target for my projectile to engage. I see that in the end all is the same.

It is in those silent moments that I understand that this new weapon is one I hold in my hands. I make a promise to myself to drop those old ways that caused me such pain. In the silence of infinity when only one remains, I feel the love all around and drop my defenses, they’ve become redundant I guess you might say.

So I repeat to myself, a reminder of sorts, a picture for me to place in my frame. I remember that there’s no competition, we are all just the same as I whisper softly to myself those two words:

I AM

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