Yesterday was a more melancholy day at camp for me. It was somewhat unexpected given the joy I have felt since embarking on my journey.
The weather was cold with a strong gusty wind blowing all day. Dank clouds rolled through the glade relentlessly and by late afternoon they opened up with a steady downpour that lasted most of the night. I wondered if the weather caused my mood or the mood my weather?
I spent most of the day in my tent, my home, trying to keep warm and reading. I think that sometimes I enjoy the melancholy feeling. After all in this universe of polarity it’s hard, perhaps even not meant to be, that we only feel one emotion.
This is natural I guess given that we live in a duality. We only know light because of the dark. We better appreciate love because of fear. So it is that joy becomes more intense, more appreciated because of melancholy. It’s about the flow of things I suppose. Given that we are electrical beings – a current or energy itself only flows when there is a disparity of charge between –ve & +ve polarity. So it is with emotions and the endocrine system in general. It requires flow to function properly.
I awoke this morning not really understanding this. It was damp and cold and the foggy haze of melancholia still clung to me as I rose. I stepped from my tent and washed my face, cleared the last of the fog from my mind and looked upon the day. The air was crisp and almost still. The escarpment directly in front of my tent was soaking up the first rays of the new day. Even though it would still be a good hour or so before those rays reached me I was awestruck by the beauty of it. My feelings were mirrored by the birds as soon myriads of them began singing and dancing upon the ground in front of my tent as joyfully they welcomed the brand new day. As I stood watching this with my hands on my heart the joy once again rose in me, like a snake climbing my spine, tingles filled me and I was forced to smile.
It was then that the knowing struck me. There will always be bad days, days when things don’t go as well as you may have hoped or expected. But as the dark helps us see the light, the bad days help us feel the joy. Everything is light, everything. So even in the dark of melancholia, we are really still in the light. And the light will always shine, bad days will always end, joy will always return.
As I have said many times, life is a sine wave. The challenge is acceptance and surrender, no matter which side of the slope you are on. All is light, all is love.
May it shine in you as it does in me, for we are one.
I am honoured that you have taken the time to read my words. Thank you.
Yours most humbly,
A spluttering cough escapes my lips. The heavy throb of my blood coursing back and forth through my skull is matched by the smashing of breakers against the rocks near where I lay. Kaboom……..splash, my head pounds in agony. Despite the protests I force my body to climb further up the beach, away, away from the dark sea, away from the pain and bitter loneliness. Every inch I gain lightens my burden, eases my dis-ease. At the border where sand meets forest I drag my body to lie at the base of a palm, barely within the sanctuary of the verdant forest blanket. Exhausted, I sleep…………….
My body no longer exists, it is left behind to recuperate. As pure consciousness I simultaneously exist and no longer exist. I am aware of my existence as I float weightlessly, therefore I exist. However, I am also at once one with everything, no longer a mere fractal, but whole and as such I no longer exist. Rather then allow the perceived duality to concern me, intuitively I allow myself to surrender to it. I am simply the entity.
Immediately I sense the entity begin to pulsate and vibrate as though it had been fractured into tiny pixels. The pixels each began to pulse and vibrate to their own rhythm. A verse sings me back to consciousness.
Awaken young warrior, harken to me
We have plans to make & people to see.
Awaken Earth soldier, listen with care
We need to lead by example, hope we must share
Remember your purpose, to paint the future in love
Paint the ground and all life, even the stars up above
The rhythm of the verse gently lifts my spirit and rouses my body from slumber. The density of the dark sea has dissipated, a new energy has emerged, lighter, more vibrant…..more real. I lay still, soaking up this energy, it flows to me, through me, from the ground, from the tree I lean against, from the air I breath. I open my eyes and soak in additional golden rays of energy from the sun above. My whole being is transformed and filled with love. The verse repeats itself again and I whisper it softly to myself…….
awaken young warrior……..awaken young warrior……..awaken young warrior……..
I remember now what I had once forgotten. There is purpose in my journey, purpose in my soul. Time to rise, time to move forward, time to paint this reality with love. Time to absorb the unfathomable beauty of it all with gratitude. Time to push back the fear, reject the illusion of separation and manifest magic.
Time to hit the road once more.
Come and join me, paint some love of your own today.
In Lak’ech Ala K’in,
I recline back in my sun lounge at the camping ground to look up at the stars above. My goal is to surrender, to let go of my earthly body.
I realise that to do so requires not thinking but feeling. I must get out of my mind and feel with my entire body.
I allow my mind one last thought, an instruction if you will. It is the vestiges of my Ego, in its fear, trying to maintain control, trying to avoid the unknown, for fear lies in the unknown, or so it thinks.
My mind issues this simple but profound instruction:
It was then that the “knowing” struck me. The knowing told me this:
“All pain is caused by separation.”
My mind/Ego in its desperate attempt to avoid pain issued the only instruction it could think of that could successfully do this – Be Everything.
For if in my surrender and letting go I become everything, I have nothing to fear for there is nothing that is not me. I need not fear the sensation of separation nor the sensation of competition.
If I am everything, no-one is withholding their loving energy from me nor is anyone attempting to steal my loving energy from me. When I “Be Everything” I am whole, complete. I am the loved, the lover, the giver and the receiver.
My mind/Ego in its attempt to avoid pain has given me the answer. Oneness, unity, singularity – this is the secret to avoiding all pain.
I lay back in my chair and let my body go numb as it expands photon by photon to fulfill the last instruction it received.
The only sensation left to feel is LOVE.
Once more I am humbled by our connection. Thank you for reading.
In Lak’ech Ala K’in,
From January 27th until February 7th 2016 I sat my first ever 10 day Vipassana Meditation course (a). As a way of recognising the significance of this event in my life I wanted to capture some key thoughts about my experience. So here are my 10 thoughts on 10 days of silence, some of my experiences and the wisdom I gained.
1. Meditation Bootcamp:
A 10 day Vipassana course is a serious undertaking, make no mistake. Besides the 10 days of silence and the 4.00am wake up chimes there is also the 10-11 hours per day of meditating. If you think meditation is an easy thing let me assure you that when you push your body to these limits it’s going to hurt & hurt a lot. I’ve never been great at meditating for long periods of time so my meditation “muscles” were not very well tuned and the first few days felt like I had been doing serious gym work, not sitting still. However, with lots of stretching a good diet my back survived and got stronger and stronger as the days progressed.
If Vipassana is potentially on your radar I’d recommend tuning up a little first. But most importantly do not go into this process half heartedly. Approach it eagerly. Relish the opportunity to give yourself this gift.
2. Blah, blah, blah………..
My monkey mind meanders. My monkey mind muses. My monkey mind mutters & murmurs. My monkey mind is a manic maelstrom of memories, mazes, mysteries, music, movies and magic. A myriad of multimedia make believe manipulating my mojo. My monkey mind……………blah, blah, blah. You get the picture.
Having spent the 4 weeks prior to Vipassana living in community with up to 30 vibrant souls at the Marulan Earthship (b) workshop it was a near impossible task to completely quite my mind for the first few days. I suspect anyone coming from a busy environment would have similar difficulties. Fortunately time and space and the total silence were the perfect antidote to monkey chatter. Each day got better and easier as the volume muted and the brightness dimmed.
3. I Failed, a lot!
I failed to fully concentrate during my meditations. I failed to fully understand the process to begin with. I failed to properly get in touch with the sensations in my body. I failed to sit completely still during the strong determination sittings. I failed to hold my equanimity. I failed to stay completely awake on many occasions. Micro sleeps and even a few macro sleeps snuck into my daily practice (especially during the 4.30am meditations). So yes, I failed a lot during this course. But you know what? My failure does not matter. My failure does not define me. My failure is not an issue because this failure, any failure is an impermanent thing. Anicca…….anicca……..anicca.
4. I Succeeded, a lot!
Despite the above point, in the more than 100 hours of meditation time I undertook during the course there were many periods, seconds, moments, minutes and more where I did properly observe the reality of the sensations in my body. Many times I held strong concentration as I scanned my body back and forth. For large periods of the strong determination sittings I held equipoise despite any of the painful or pleasant sensations I was feeling. But again none of that matters. My success does not define me. My success is not an issue because it is an impermanent thing. Anicca……anicca……anicca.
5. The importance of impermanence. (Pali word of Impermanence = Anicca – pronounced a-nitch-a)
Impermanence is such a universal law that I am positive that every human on the planet has some understanding of it. After all we witness it stunningly every day. The sun rises, the sun sets, the tides roll in, the tides roll out. Things rise up and then fall down. Things are born and then they die. The whole electromagnetic universe is in a constant state of flux between polarities. After all we are living in a duality (c). From the most microscopic sub atomic particle level every teeny, tiny Tachyon is pulsating with the energy of polarization. Everything changes, absolutely everything changes every single microsecond of every single day.
6. Everything Old is New Again.
In one of those meditation sessions where I failed to concentrate fully on the task at hand a thought occurred to me that I felt deserved inclusion in this post. As I’ve mentioned many times in my blog we are electrical beings (d), existing in an electric universe that is in a constant state of flux. At the most basic sub atomic particle level the current flow of the electric universe passes through us. At this level there is a constant exchange of matter as we draw in energetic charge from the universe and then pass on energetic charge back into the universe. This means that the most basic building blocks which make up this avatar we call our body are constantly being replaced as the drawing in (enfolding) and sending out (unfolding) process of energetic electronic life takes place. It is a paradigm of humanity that we always consider ourselves to be aging, getting older. This year we are one more year older than last year. However, my meditation revelation is that we have got this all wrong! Our bodies at the most basic quantum physics level are constantly being replaced with new energy, new tachyons, new building blocks. You know what this means don’t you? It means that every moment, every second that goes by you are becoming the most newest version of yourself. Right now as you read this point trillions upon trillions of tiny tachyons have emanated from your body and been sent out to the universe whilst at the same moment trillions upon trillions of new tachyons have been drawn into your body to replace them. Right now you are a shiny new being! Doesn’t it feel good to realise that every moment you are actually getting newer and newer! Something worth celebrating I reckon. Welcome to the new you! You are deliciously perfect!
7. 3 Cups of Poison.
The foundation of the Vipassana meditation technique is the fundamental Buddhist understanding of the 3 poisons we drink which are the root of all suffering.
(I) Ignorance – For many years I led my life drinking from this cup. I suffered but was very much asleep to my suffering. My life didn’t really start to change for the better until I stopped drinking from this cup and to venture down the path of self enquiry. I asked myself some fundamental questions. Why do I suffer? Where is the pain coming from? The Vipassana course helped to reinforce what the answers to these questions are. The suffering comes from drinking the other two cups of poison.
(II) Aversion – part of my past suffering was the pain of running away from something, even if that running away was merely the feeling of discomfort, dislike or fear. Aversion to criticism and rejection were huge for me, as was aversion to (perceived) failure. I have suffered much from these aversions in my life. With the clarity of Vipassana’s teachings I now have an additional tool with which to calm my mind and ease my pain. Understanding Anicca and practicing Equanimity are wonderful antidotes to this poison.
(III) Craving/Clinging – this also has been a significant poison for me all of my life. So much of my suffering has been caused by the sense of being unlovable. For so long I craved for a feeling of validation, for a feeling of being loved and being lovable, I yearned for it constantly (e). It wasn’t until I learned that the love comes from within that I was able to control this poison in my life. I am far from mastering it, but with the help and the wisdom of Vipassana I feel much better equipped to deal with those moments of craving and to recognise the impermanence of their hold on me.
8. Equanimity is Purity.
Vipassana Meditation at it’s core is about dealing with your aversions and cravings in a practical, equanimous way. By learning to train your mind to overcome your automated tendancy to react to any sensation you feel in your body you unlock the key to inner peace and harmony. By learning to maintain equanimity or calm detachment from the bodily sensations you develop an understanding of Anicca. All sensations are impermanent things, insubstaintial things. They come and they go, they rise and they fall. Be the sensations unpleasant such as an aching back from too much meditating or a pleasant tingling sensation from a deep relaxing meditation, neither of these things last. If you can train yourself to overcome your automated conditioning to react you exhibit much more mastery over yourself. You discover that you are actually in charge of running this body and that you can remain poised no matter what life’s ups and downs are.
9. I survived……….
Despite the silence, despite the aches and pains, despite the 4.00am wake up calls I survived. Despite the hours upon hours of meditation and even despite the separation from technology, I survived. I proved to myself that I could do it. To my surprise in hindsight it wasn’t even that difficult. Understanding the law of impermanence is a wonderful thing, because no matter what you might feel at any moment, you know that things will change.
Even more than just survive, I thrived. I gained incredible wisdom, both about myself and about my journey through life as a whole. I learned that those little things that sometimes take up so much of my attention do not define me. I learned that those big things that sometimes seem so daunting are nothing but a series of ever changing little things. I learned that in all circumstances I can face life’s challenges with equanimity. I also thrived because I got to spend so much beautiful peaceful time in a loving and supportive environment both physically at the Vipassana meditation centre and mentally, dwelling deep within myself with my beautiful little boy inside, the fountain of my love, my fearlessness and my child like spirit. It was wonderful to dedicate so much quality time to myself, to plant more seeds of love in the garden of my soul.
10. I am 100% responsible.
What follows is a statement I wrote from myself to me, a reminder of sorts of the critical out-take of my Vipassana experience. Maybe it will resonate with you as well:
The journey to inner peace and happiness lies within. No one else, absolutely no one else can be responsible for your happiness. If you believe that someone else is needed to make you happy then you are suffering from craving and will continue to suffer. If you believe that your unhappiness is a result of someone else then you are suffering from aversion and will continue to suffer. It is only when you accept and live up to the promise to yourself to be 100% responsible that you begin to detox yourself from these poisons. Realise that everything you need for inner peace and happiness already lies within you. Practice harmonising within yourself everyday. Remember the law of impermanence. Remember that you are in total control of how you experience every sensation in your body, no matter what life may throw at you. Remain equanimous. Be love.
I am honoured and humbled that you have read my words. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for connecting with me in this way.
May All Beings Be Happy!
b) A little poem I wrote about my wonderful experience at the Marulan Earthship.
c) A two piece creative writing article I wrote about the nature of duality. Part 1 is entitled - Through the Vortex. Part 2 is entitled - The Dichotomy of Duality.
d) A post I wrote entitled - It's About Life - which explains a little more about our electric beings and our electric universe.
e) A short little passage I wrote about.....yearning........
I open my eyes and all around me is darkness. Darkness and silence. A shiver runs up my spine.
My sense of smell is assaulted by an acrid burnt sensation that stings my nose and the back of my throat. I gag slightly.
However, after a brief moment even that sense is deprived me as the smell becomes normalised and I no longer notice it. Have you ever experienced that sensation? You notice a foul smell but after a while the smell seems to go away, although deep down you know it hasn’t really gone away, it’s just that your brain no longer pays attention to it. The smell becomes ‘normal’ and as such seemingly disappears.
I think these thoughts as the acrid burnt smell likewise disappears leaving me with nothing. All is dark and silent and another thought occurs to me.
What if my inability to see or hear are also simply a result of my brain normalising my surroundings. My brain pays no more attention to the foul smelling air, is it similarly paying no more attention to visible light or to audible sound?
Perhaps the sights and the sounds of my surroundings are just as noxious to my brain as the foul smelling air, so my brain has decided to ignore them, to blank them out. So now I am left with nothing, assuming that one can call a black, silent void nothing.
It was then that I realised that the demon had returned. I took a deep haggard breath and screamed as loudly and as violently as I could trying with my voice to tear asunder the fabric of the darkness. But my screams fell upon deaf ears. Darkness, silence, void. That was now my reality.
I flayed my arms and legs about like a palsied marionette. The darkness grew seemingly heavier, as if it was trying to hold me tighter in its grip, refusing to relinquish its power over me. So tight was its grip that it felt like I was suspended in thick tar. My flaying body grew exhausted and my mind in an attempt to ‘normalise’ my environment, or perhaps to ‘anaesthetize’ my pain put me to sleep.
Minutes, hours, days, weeks went by as I lay trapped and asleep within the black tar. Any moments of wakefulness seemed as if a dream. But not a lucid dream which I could exhibit some form of control. No, the dreams were such where the exact opposite was true. Instinctively my brain convinced me within the dream that I had absolutely no control. So it was that the moments of wakefulness seemed as if I had simply floated to the surface of the deep dark sea. But always the surface of the dark waters pitched and rolled with menacing violence.
I soon learned to shun those wakeful moments. The pain, the violence, the fear were all too much for my sensory deprived body to bare. In those moments I begged my brain to return me to sleep, to the sweet oblivion of nothingness. Fortunately my brain was only too happy to oblige. The void became my universe.
Weeks turned into months, but time meant nothing within the darkness and silence. In earlier times this would have driven me to even deeper panic and despair. But having swam these waters before I could sense their familiarity. A kernel of truth stayed with me during this time. Once more I kicked towards the surface of the dark waters. Once more I was assailed by violence. But this time I let it be, I accepted the dark lashes of the wind and the rain as the waves of darkness tried once more to force me under. I surrendered to them and once I did I felt an immediate weakening of their powers.
That kernel of truth reminded me that the torrent that assailed me was also transporting me. The void was not a void at all. It was a vessel and I was its passenger and together we journeyed until my journey was complete. I began to relax even further. Even though the darkness still prevailed I knew that it would not do so forever, I just had to be patient.
I wonder now as I continue to float in the darkness what I will discover when this phase of my journey is concluded. Patience can be a difficult thing I remind myself. I only hope that the ones I love throughout the universe of my consciousness also find patience for me in their hearts.
The first rays of a new dawn are beginning to glow above the horizon. I sense, even though I can not yet see it, that a welcoming shoreline awaits for me. I sense that soon the radiance of a new day will shine forth as I reach this shore. I wonder who will be waiting for me. I hope you are, I do so miss your smiling face and your shining eyes.
With the deepest of love for anyone who struggles with depression, anxiety or bi-polar; you have my heart.
Time passes us by and in the blink of an eye the years roll on, they sure do fly.
And in our minds lay trapped the dreams of yesterday.
And in our hearts lay trapped the fears for tomorrow.
And in our bodies lay trapped the poisons of today.
We dream of our glorious past, of our youth, our innocence, our freedom; a dream we think is all but gone.
We’re haunted by our fearful future, of war and hatred and violence and pain; a dream we think is all too real.
“Wake up, wake up!” I shout it loud.
“Sleep no more, stand up, be proud!”
We are not the dreamers we think we are, we are humanity, we are real and we’ve come so far.
Too far to let it all go to waste as we believe the lies we are fed in our haste.
Our haste is the problem don’t you see. We’re distracted, confused, blinded in our misery.
Disease increases every year. Unhappiness rises with every tear.
We drink the cool aid poison that is really just fear.
And to our captors we ironically give cheer.
Our lives are deluded when love is excluded. Don’t you see what they’re trying to do?
“Wake up, wake up!” I shout it loud.
“Sleep no more, stand up, be proud!”
Sleep no more, cast false dreams aside. Our future can be beautiful if in our hearts we abide.
Can’t you see the lies you’ve been told, all designed to fill you with fear?
A false flag driven manufactured enemy. The fear of this strips you of freedom as you shout out your hatred of those you think are the enemy. Their lie has worked.
A debt riddled slave economy. The fear of this strips you of freedom as you give of yourself 9 to 5 to serve your master spending so little time serving yourself and those you love. Their lie has worked.
A disease generating ‘health’ system. The fear of this strips you of freedom as you pop your pills for the invented disease and you inject yourself to try to live. Their lie has worked.
A nanny state ‘protection’ system. The fear of this strips you of freedom as you pass ‘big brother’ camera after camera walking along. We allow it for fear that something may go wrong. Their lie has worked.
A mind controlling mass media system. The fear of this strips you of freedom as you want and need what they sell to you, that item you must have just in order to feel (normal, sane, satisfied, justified, like you fit in, like you’re alive). They tell you what they want you to hear and like an inanimate sponge you soak it up. Their lie has worked.
“Wake up, wake up!” I shout it loud.
“Sleep no more, stand up, be proud!”
We have the chance to change these things. We have the chance to truly be free. Reject the lies, just wake up and see that we are one, we are humanity.
A beautiful future is waiting ahead. You need courage to realize the lies being fed. Stop feeding on fear and step into the light. Reclaim your freedom for it is your right.
Time passes us by and in the blink of an eye the years roll on, they sure do fly.
As we begin to awaken to the real world outside we realize the truth within.
Our dreams of yesterday can be wonderful memories, the foundations of who we are.
Our dreams of the future can be exciting and inspiring filled with the wonders of who’ll we’ll become.
It is in our waking moments of this time we are in now, the present, our rock of true reality, where the answer does lay. It is in this moment of here and now where there is only this question to ask.
“Will you live in this moment right here, right now, with fear in your heart? Or will you wake up, shout it loud, and announce to the world that you live in LOVE?”
Choose wisely, your future depends on it.
We are one, we must never forget that,
NB – I choose LOVE!
It’s in those quieter moments that it happens. Those moments when it’s just me and me. It’s in those moments that I sometimes reflect upon all the carnage of the battles I fought. The pain and the hurt as real although perhaps less obvious than any war.
It’s in those moments that I wince at the cruel weapons that I have used. The thinly veiled criticism, the snide remarks, the frustrated reply, the impatient stare, the condescending snicker. There are so many weapons that I’ve employed. Some days the fighting is worse than others. But on all days and for all weapons, the ammunition is the same. The weapons are merely different ways of firing the same projectile.
It is a small sharp thing, designed to hurt, its edges pointed. I throw it so often, sometimes at others, regularly at myself, at other times the universe at large. I feel the frustration and the aggravation of competition. So I duel with these weapons, ammunition, my hurtful projectiles. They boil down to a simple thing, those two cruel words:
It’s in those much quieter moments that I realize. Every shot fired, every weapon launched, every bloody scar so fiercely fought, were all aimed at the same thing. Like a sniper’s crosshairs those words, thoughts, gestures and intentions were always aimed at the one, that one word:
It is only in those silent moments, beyond quiet, when there are no longer two that I discover a new weapon to use. I realize that if there is no competition or battle to wage there is no target for my projectile to engage. I see that in the end all is the same.
It is in those silent moments that I understand that this new weapon is one I hold in my hands. I make a promise to myself to drop those old ways that caused me such pain. In the silence of infinity when only one remains, I feel the love all around and drop my defenses, they’ve become redundant I guess you might say.
So I repeat to myself, a reminder of sorts, a picture for me to place in my frame. I remember that there’s no competition, we are all just the same as I whisper softly to myself those two words:
……..and in our deepest of moments, when that’s all there is, the yearning. How do you stop the yearning that’s so very deep inside of you. How do you find your very own Sympathy……
I close my eyes and I drift away. I form a new reality. Can’t it be? This reality? If it can be, then I can stop the yearning. It’s so very deep within. I just need to know you care, that you do love me, that I can be loved. That I am lovable. That we are all lovable. Because in my reality, love is all that there is. There is no more yearning……..